Date Night

I know that *some* of you only read this blog to get tidbits about my love life, so I finally have an update for you! I have been in the midst of a sort of self-imposed dating drought this semester, but I think it is time to try to my luck on the dating scene once again. And of course, when the drought ends, it doesn’t just rain, it pours…

You know, there is a dating urban legend that is something along the lines of: You will find the right guy when you look like crap. I have a friend who allegedly met her boyfriend of many years at a bar one night when her friends dragged her out – and she was wearing sweatpants. The idea is that you tend to find someone when you are not looking for them and they will like when you don’t even try. Trying is the anathema of dating.

I think there is something to that.

Let’s take tonight for example. I have been sick to varying degrees for the last 2 weeks. Just when I think I am getting better, it gets worse. Runny nose, itchy eyes, sore throat, the works. I think it is a terrible combination of a cold and allergies. And then, to top it all off, the cherry on the sundae of crap, I got a cold sore-type thing on my lip yesterday. I’m not even sure if it is a cold sore, because it is not painful and doesn’t really look like one, but I don’t know what else it could be. I’m calling it a stress bump. On my lip. So, I am basically gross. And I have two papers due next week. So, all of this means that I should be spending my Saturday night at home like the disgusting leper nerd that I am.

Yet, the twisted universe has other plans for me. My phone was ringing off the hook today. I had not one, not two, but THREE guys ask me out on dates. Whoa, fellas. Where were you every other Saturday this winter? Where were you when I was robust and normal looking? So I turned them down, once, twice, three times. Literally saying, “I can’t go out tonight. I’m gross.”

But finally, I got worn down. I had worked on this terrible, god-forsaken paper for hours and when the text came asking if I wanted to get a drink, I said screw it. Screw the paper. Screw the stress bump. Screw the snot nose. I’m going on a date!

So I put concealer on my red nose, smeared lip stick on the bump, patted down my frizzy hair and ended up looking semi-cute for my drink with Over 30 Guy. Over 30 guys always ask you out “for a drink.” And they always order their drinks with Grey Goose. And they genuinely want to pay for your drink. I love over 30 guys (except for their inevitable fatal flaws).

Anyway, I am glad that I ended up doing something and I think it went well despite my tragic appearance. Hopefully, I will be back in fighting form for my upcoming dates with Mr. Younger than Me but more Serious about Marriage than I am Guy and Mr. Persistent but Leaving Town Guy.

Hmm, I guess if I am going to be blogging about my dating life, I need to come up with better pseudonyms. And hope that none of them ever read my blog.

Hillary Clinton Wins Pennsylvania!

I am a Democrat divided. Not divided by Clinton and Obama, but split between Indiana and Pennsylvania. I grew up in Pennsylvania, my driver’s license is from Pennsylvania, and my family still lives in Pennsylvania. But now, I live in Indiana and will be here for many years. I decided to keep my voter registration in PA because it is more of a battleground state in presidential elections. But now, Indiana has become a battleground for the Democratic nomination. Every time I see the Obama van by the student union, I grit my teeth. I want to be able to vote for Hillary in Indiana, too!

Many people are saying that this is drawn out battle is bad for the Democratic party. I agree with Jon Stewart’s position a few weeks ago, “wait, you mean, we’re actually having a democracy?” This whole process has galvanized people to register and to vote, and CNN reported tonight that entire counties are changing in voter registration composition from Republican to Democrat.

While the mudslinging could be to John McCain’s advantage, I actually think that for now, there is a psychological advantage for the Democrats. We are used to thinking of a Presidential race as between two candidates – and all of the attention has been between a Clinton-Obama match up. It’s almost like McCain doesn’t exist. This leads me to ask: What if we put on a presidential race, and the Republican didn’t show up?  There has to be some benefit to having all of this suspense over whether it will be Clinton or Obama – perhaps people will subconsciously assume that eventually it will be one of them and not even consider McCain. All of the media attention and close scrutiny could be giving John McCain a free ride, but then again, isn’t any press good press? It is striking how utterly ignored McCain has been so far. The longer the Clinton-Obama drama plays out, the more McCain remains out of voters’ minds.

The only way that McCain benefits from this is if it gets nasty at the end. I’m not sure how the Dems are going to work it out without disappointing and angering half of the party. Given the numbers, it will be especially hard to justify Hillary getting the nomination but then again, she is definitely more electable in November. The Dems can only blame their stupid system of allotting superdelegates and not holding proper primaries in Michigan and Florida for this mess.  I don’t think this nomination process has been fair to either Clinton or Obama. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

I hope Hillary pulls it out in the end. Her speech was very inspirational tonight, and she deserves to see it through. I loved seeing Bill and Chelsea with her. The Clintons are the best!

I made my first campaign donation tonight. That’s right. After hearing her say it a million times, I did go to hillaryclinton.com and gave her five bucks.  I wanted to help boost her number of  individual, online donors so that she can get some post-PA momentum. If I can’t vote in Indiana, I’m going to help pay for her to win other Hoosier votes!

Finally

Last night, I went to see the movie “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” It was a funny and cute movie – exactly what I expected. But the best part is that after so many years, my campaign for more male frontal nudity has paid off! For the past decade, I have been so tired of seeing naked and/or topless women in movies while the men remain concealed. Although Forgetting Sarah Marshall does nothing about the attractiveness double standard (average looking men with hot girls), it completely reversed the nudity double standard. Hallelujah, finally some actual full out penis shots on the big screen! I was quite tickled, although my male companion was less than thrilled and found it to be gratuitous and disgusting. Nothing makes men squirm more than watching other naked dudes in public. But I say that it is about time that the male gaze of movie making refocuses a bit. While Jason Segal’s naked body was more for shock humor rather than to be read as attractive (or objectified like naked female bodies), it is a step in the right direction.

As the great Oprah would say (although probably not about this particular topic), “It’s a new day, America!”

Shake, Rattle, and Roll

I experienced my first earthquake yesterday.

It was about 5:30 am and I was snug in my bed when I was awakened by the sound of my whole world shaking. This is the groggy conversation that I had with myself:

“bleurrghhhh (groggy sounds)…what the hell?….could it be an earthquake? No, they don’t have earthquakes in Indiana….maybe a tornado…..blaaaaaaaaarggghhhh….oh shit, maybe I’m having a seizure….I don’t feel right…I should have eaten something last night, maybe it’s diabetic shock…ohmygod, what if I’m dying and this is what it feels like when my body leaves the earth….i’m crossing over…this is scary, something is wrong with my brain….bleeeeeeeeeeergh…I think it was an earthquake. I guess if it was I will hear sirens so I’ll just sleep until then…..where’s whiskers? I hope she’s ok………..<falls back asleep>

I love that in my semi-conscious state, my immediate reaction was that it was an earthquake but I talked myself out of that and instead blamed it on myself. The earth is not shaking, I am…of course, I’m dying of a seizure! Hilarious.

Apparently, I wasn’t concerned enough to fully wake up and investigate, so I can’t say that it was a scary experience at the time. There was sleep-induced bewilderment, but no fear. But now that I know it was an earthquake, I’m so traumatized.

I really could have died and I would have died falsely accusing myself of having a brain malfunction. What a freak occurrence. I never want to live anywhere near an earthquake zone. I am a huge fan of stable ground now!

My life is like…

a pot of water that is just about the boil. The little bubbles are forming at the bottom. Look, there’s so many of them! When are they going to explode to the surface? Will the rolling boil come fast or is it still going to take some time to heat up?

I have so much going on. All I am letting myself think about are the deadlines that I must meet in the next two weeks. But in the back, my personal life is hovering, waiting to happen in May.

I guess this means that I have to start dating again. I’m pretty ambivalent about getting “out there” again. I like it “in here.” My little cocoon of me-ness, just a simple life of running and writing papers. Maybe it will be fun if I can figure out how to juggle it all. I am terrible at multi-tasking, but when it comes to dating, I either have zero gentleman callers or a half-dozen at once. They travel in packs and every six months they come around, howling for attention. Within a month, they’ve all been sent back to the mutt kennel where they belong.

It’s very romantic.

Stats I Like

Indulge me in the blogging equivalent of showing endless pictures of one’s own children.

Here is a round up of my Blog Stats:

Top Search Terms – All Time

All Time – Search Terms

1. brad renfro

2. 23^rd birthday

3. Dandelions

4. Carole Lombard

5. Twicebakedbiscotti

6. Fast runner

7. Pony

8. New York city

9. Oops exposed

10. At worst I feel bad for awhile

11. Yeast infection

12. Ron paul

13. Twicebakedbiscotti.wordpress.com

I am heartened to see that at least some people are actually searching for me. Most readers of this blog, however, are more interested in Brad Renfro, dandelions, and 23rd Birthdays.

All Time Most Popular Posts

1. All About Biscotti
2. Tiger Beats No More
3. Eat, Pray, Love
4. Opposing the Opposition of Hillary Clinton
5. My Travels
6. Fertility Goddess
7. New York Times Endorsements
8. China and Thailand
9. Celebrity Self-Indulgence
10. Inspiration
11. Republican YouTube Debate

Aww, you guys do care about me! Or maybe, you are just like, who is the wacko behind this blog? Brad Renfro and my book review of Eat, Pray, Love still round out the top 3, BUT I am super-excited that so many people read the post about why I support Hillary Clinton. I thought I made some good arguments there! And Fertility Goddess became an instant classic – people really like the wordpress tag “sex.”

I don’t give a damn ’bout my bad reputation

I really don’t want to talk too much about grad school in general or my graduate program in particular on my blog. First, I like to think of my blog as a personal activity where I get to take a break from academic life. Second, I don’t want to get in trouble by saying too much or saying something impolitic. It is a very real danger that something you blog about can and will be used against you, especially if, like me, you are not even attempting anonymity.

But I have got to say that my department has been bizarro lately. Lots of controversy and people getting worked up over issues. Conflict makes me uncomfortable, but more than that, I’m sad that there is such tension and unhappiness among some grad students. The reason that I chose IU over another top ranked program was that I heard it was so collegial and friendly. I did not want to deal with a cutthroat environment, and it isn’t like that at all. I think the real problem is that it is a Research I department and all of the professors are very involved in their work which means that graduate students’ needs for nurturance and attention do not always get anticipated or met. I know that the department tries to provide these things, but it doesn’t always work out. But something tells me that is simply the nature of grad school and there is an element of having to find your own way to a large extent in any program.

And by golly, should you make it through the program, do not self-publish an autobiography detailing the experience —and not use pseudonyms!!! We just found out today that a former grad student has written a book about her grad school experiences, and people are really upset about it. While the whole idea of a tell all about my department and the people I know is tantalizing and most of us will not be able to resist reading it, it is also really, really terrible. Look, academics are weird people. I am weird and pretty much everyone I know is weird. I find it delightful. But all of the personality quirks, skeletons in the closet, and what we really think about each other should not be put in print. Yeah, we’re weirdos and some people aren’t very nice, but we also work really hard to be in grad school and sacrifice a lot to get the degree. We want to get jobs and have our reputations intact when we leave grad school and there is something that feels very violating about this type of book – even if it ultimately does not say anything malicious or damaging to the people in it who are mentioned by name.

There have been a few times since I started blogging that I worried about the potential consequences of what I write. Sometimes, I feel like I am holding back and wish that I could name names and explain the details of situations that trouble me. Yet, sometimes, I worry that even the vague references to hard times or any type of talk about emotions or insecurity could be too much information. It might be too risky to have a blog that gets personal, and in recognition of that, I have been moving more towards talking about impersonal things like politics and running and being sexually irresistible to men. Ok, maybe that last one shouldn’t have made it to the blog, but whatever. When it comes down to it, I don’t give a damn ’bout my bad reputation. Blog on!

The Need for Speed

I was happy with myself for running the half-marathon for about 2 days. But being hard on myself is second nature  Since I saw the official race results on Monday, I have become increasingly disappointed as time goes on. On Saturday, I was just so pleased that I was able to finish. Now that is Wednesday, I can’t stop thinking about how I was so slow and only “beat” 85 people. I know that it is probably because people who are able to run 13 miles tend to be people who train to run 13 miles as fast as possible. My training has been fairly low key and I only decided to run the half-marathon a couple weeks before, so I definitely was not on the same level as everyone else.

Still, it bothers me. Really bothers me. What is wrong with me? I have never been a competitive person when it comes to sports. It’s practically a miracle that I even decided to run beyond 3 miles. Even though I am not competitive, I am a perfectionist. It’s not so much that I want other people to lose – I just want to be the best.

In order to be the best – or at least better, I need to figure out how to run fast. I’m not sure how to do it because my body is, by nature, sluggish. Whenever I used to have to play sports (in gym class mainly), it rendered me utterly stupid. I would try to see what was happening with the ball or whatever, but it never really made sense to my brain. By the time people started yelling at me to move or do something, I would snap into action but the ball or whatever would be 5 feet in front or behind me, other people would step in and do appropriate things and the action would carry on. I would blush and feel awkward and by the time I started paying attention again, there had been minutes of action that had taken place and I was once against unsure what the hell was going on. I am not mentally adept at sports. If you think that is bad, I am even worse when it comes to the physical aspect. The best way I can explain what it feels like to be me in a game is to liken it to the Tin Man before he gets oiled. I am stiff and clunky and slow. I am neither quick nor agile.

So there is a part of me that feels like I will never be spry or graceful or loose enough to pick up speed. There is a part of me that never thought I would care. Yet, I know that realistically, I could work at it and get faster. There is no reason why I can’t run 10 minutes miles. That is achievable. I just know it is going to suck to get there. I’m going to have to get out of breath, and I really, really hate losing my breath.

Or I could go with Plan B which is stay at my 11 minute pace and use that to pick up a 75 year old boyfriend during a race. I have always loved old people and older men are supposedly kinder and gentler due to diminished testosterone, thus they are less likely to be douche bags. Plus, they have cool sweaters, health insurance, great stories, plenty of time to adore me, a taste for apricots and resources for interstate travel. And I can nap with the best of them! That’s it, I’m placing my personal ad in AARP Magazine today.

Where* art thou, brilliance?

For all of my angst, I spend little time agonizing over my intelligence. I have crafted my life in such a way that I can avoid things like calculus (hell, even basic math) and instead focus on what I do best – analyzing behavior, being critical, reading, using big words, writing summaries, and coming up with research questions.

These things are great until the last 3 weeks of the semester when I am forced to actually write the papers. I easily choose a topic from one of the million research ideas that I have and I cull together the literature. I create word document after word document of notes and outlines. I do what I’m supposed to do in terms of formulating an interesting question, regurgitating knowledge, and setting up the paper in an engaging way.

And then, like a man who loses his erection right before the moment of climax,** the paper goes limp. Sure, it’s exploratory. Fine, it’s a term paper. Ok, I’ll cover up the shortcomings with a nice Future Research Directions section. Blah, blah, blah.

No, what I really want is BRILLIANCE. I want to come up with something fresh, groundbreaking, exciting. I want my own theory. I want readers to gasp with awe at my insight and my ability to draw connections in ways that were previously inconceivable, but now provide a whole new lens to view the social world.

Yes, I want to write an ingenious paper. But in order to do so, I must somehow become brilliant. Smart is being able to understand what has already been done. Brilliant is is doing what has never been done and making it understandable. (Oooh, that sounds exactly like something that would come up on my Quote a Day calendar!)

Is brilliance simply an “either you got it or you don’t” type deal? Is it capability or luck? Do I have to be at a certain high level of intelligence to attain brilliance or could it occur in a flash to any sufficiently intelligent person? Could I have some original idea in my brain that I have yet to access? How do I cultivate thinking outside of the box?

I don’t know much about how the brain works, but from what I’ve read about the way that scientific discoveries happen, it seems like you have to work really hard to know everything possible, try and fail a million times, and then give your brain a break so that the flash of brilliance can happen.

I like this strategy because it suggests that you are not at the mercy of your conscious brain. You can think really hard about something and work non-stop but never be able to make the connection or see something new. But all of that surface information is actually penetrating to a subconscious level of innovation that will reveal itself to your conscious mind in a spontaneous flash of insight.

I feel like my brain works that way. For example, I have a hard time immediately criticizing a book that I just read. Earlier this week, I was working on a book review and I had written the summary, but I could not think of what the author missed. I went to bed that night, admonishing myself for not being able to provide a nuanced critique of a book that was obviously lacking. I woke up the next morning and the very first thoughts in my head were 3 incredibly relevant and incisive criticisms. My brain practically bulletpointed them – and at 7am to boot!

Who knows if any of the 3 papers that I need to write in the next 3 weeks will turn out to be brilliant. It is in my control to make them solid sociology and well-written, but that little bit of magic is beyond me. I can only hope that it will strike.

If all else fails, I’ll sleep on it.

*Damn you, Brent.

**I use this metaphor for two reasons. (1) I never miss an opportunity for a solid impotence reference. (2) I want to see “loses erection” in my google search terms for the next 3 weeks and know that those people who were searching for advice will instead have to read about my boring paper writing woes.

Mad As Hell

Damn the misogynistic media. You wouldn’t be able to find a comparable video for the treatment of Obama or McCain. She never got a fair shake, and I think that whatever good comes out of this for Obama and the issue of race in this country, this nomination process should be remembered as a black eye for feminism and women in the United States.