What’s My Age Again?

Nobody likes you when you’re 23

No one should take themselves so seriously

With many years ahead to fall in line

Why would you wish that on me?

I never want to act my age.

What’s my age again? 

–Blink 182

This has been brewing for awhile, but it is still disturbing.

People my age are getting married or having babies (but usually not both).

I don’t keep in touch with many people from high school but my mom keeps me abreast of the latest sperminations. I am still genuinely shocked when I hear that someone my age or younger is pregnant. My immediate reaction is a mixture of pity and concern.

This happened when I was home last week.  I learned of a pregnancy and I said something along the lines of “Yikes! That’s not good. What is she going to do?”

And my sister, with a bit of annoyance, replied, “Well, she is 24 years old.”

I was taken aback. There is an enormous part of me that screams, “I don’t care! That is still too young!” After thinking about it for awhile, I realized that I still think of myself as in the 18-20 year old range. I don’t feel like I am almost 24 years old and I suppose that I have trapped everyone else my age in that time warp as well. Still, I just don’t get it.  Having a baby at 24 seems like the craziest, most horrible idea to me right now. Are all these other people far more mature and advanced than me? Am I slipping behind the curve already? Why do I feel so distraught at the idea of people having babies before the age of 30? I mean, 24 is way better than giving birth at 16, but I react as though people my age are still so young that they would be throwing away their lives by popping out a kid right now.

Yes, it is definitely me. I should be happy for them. I should recognize that they are adults who are capable of having a baby. Maybe the real issue is that I feel like I am smarter and would be a better parent than the majority of people and I’m not ready so that allows me to deem everyone else inadequately prepared. Just because I’m not ready doesn’t mean that everyone else my age should wait to get knocked up until I am.

I am going to make a conscious effort to think of people my age as adults who are capable of reproducing without tragic consequences. I am going to remember that I am 23 years old and that makes me an adult. I just happen to be an adult who does not have unplanned pregnancies and will most likely wait until I am in my 3rd decade of life to spawn.

Ok, I feel better now. I now have a grasp on what it means to be 24 years old. Being 24 means that you are old enough to have children without shocking anyone but young enough to justify postponing such activities.

Geez, this upcoming 24th birthday may be a little…difficult.

What’s my age again?

The only kind of Stats that I like: Blog Stats

The nice thing about WordPress as opposed to other services is that they have the blog stats built in. The bad thing is that it gets addictive to look at which posts people are reading and it is hard not to let it influence what I blog about.

While I cannot tell who reads my blog, I can get a sense of how many of the daily hits come from those who happened upon my blog based on search terms. I have an approximate idea of how many people are regular readers, but it is always surprising to find out which posts bring in the random surfers.

I feel bad that so many people click on me after searching for “23rd Birthday.” I never know what they are hoping to find, but I am guessing that it was not to read about my almost quarterlife crisis. I also get a lot of traffic for my post on Eat, Pray, Love. And here is where it gets embarassing. My third most popular post is one entitled Celebrity Self Indulgence which is when I put my picture into one of those celebrity look alike generators. For real? I don’t see the appeal.
It seems that I can spend an hour writing a beautiful, thoughtful, long post in which I pour out my heart and search for the meaning of love and life and no one reads it. BUT all of the posts that I just jot down in 5 minutes off the top of my head are the ones that people actually find and read.

Case in Point: Last month, I was getting ready for bed when I saw that Brad Renfro had died. It struck me as sad because I remembered him from when I was a kid. For the hell of it, I wrote a 2 minute post Tiger Beats No More. Ever since, it has been the most steadily popular post. Then, last week, I wrote an emotional post about my grandmother passing away. I probably spent over a 3o minutes thinking and writing about it. After I had posted it, I clicked to the NYT and saw that the endorsements had come out. As I read the endorsements, I realized that I had made similar points in my blog. It was after midnight but I thought that it would be fun to look it up and point out the similarities for my own ego gratification. I copied and pasted and was done in 5 minutes. And so of course, that particular post gets picked up by Slate.com and I get this huge bump. The strange thing is that even with that mainstream shout out, it still hasn’t been able to top Brad Renfro yet. Who would have thought?

So I guess that the moral of this story is that if you want to be a popular blogger, just choose random topics like dead B-list celebrities, and don’t spend more than 10 minutes on a post.

W&L Nominates Hillary

First, the New York Times and now, Washington and Lee University has given its esteemed nod to Hillary Clinton to be the Democratic nominee.

W&L is a small college in Virginia whose student body is comprised mostly of conservatives. They traditionally hold a mock convention to nominate a candidate from the party who is not currently in office. Surprisingly, they have only been wrong once and happily, this year, they chose Hillary.

Now, I could make an obvious and tasteless joke by pointing out that probably the only way that a Clinton got nominated by W&L’ers was by running against a black man. I know, that’s terrible. Even though they are associated with the conservative Southern elite mentality, I don’t think that they are all racist…anymore. I’ve met quite a few W&L people and they seem to be very nice and harmless, albeit Roman numeral type, people.

The truth is that I have actually become a big fan of Washington and Lee because of my friendship with one illustrious alumna. As someone who had never even heard of the school before entering grad school, I have been so influenced (brainwashed?) by stories of the rituals, traditions, and school spirit that sometimes I secretly wish that I had gone there. It might not have been the best fit for my political ideology but I could get over it. If an ultraconservative school can mock nominate Hillary Clinton, then a super liberal girl can be a mock alumna of “W and Lee” in her heart (and out loud in Louisville, but that is a story for another time). Perhaps one day, W&L will give me an honorary degree for loving them despite our differences. And on this day, I will just be satisfied that all of those starchy conservatives had to vote for Hillary Clinton at least once in their lives.

Hillary Clinton and young women voters

One of the curious things that many people have commented on is Hillary Clinton’s lack of support among young women compared to older women. I don’t really understand why young women do not realize the enormous importance and impact that having a capable, highly competent female Commander in Chief would have on our lives and the history of our country. In a climate where feminism is more often than not a dirty word, I think young women reflect their age by being caught up in the youthful idealism that Obama represents instead of their feminism and focusing on what barriers still need to be broken down for women. Obama supporters seem to be more about personality and going against the political establishment than capability and experience. Granted, Clinton has been frustratingly political and mechanical on the campaign trail at times – especially when compared to the easy delivery of pretty words that Obama brings.

I believe that Hillary is a far superior candidate in both her experience and record than Barack Obama. I just wish that she would allow people to see that this is the case through her personality and campaigning tactics as well. In an obvious attempt to court young women voters, Clinton produced this campaign video below to show a more genuine, relaxed side. When she actually allows herself to get personal and break out of the political speak, she is very appealing. It would benefit her tremendously among all voters who want to get to know her instead of stories of nasty politics if she would show this side more often.

Poor Brit-Brit

Last year, I decided that I wanted to vote Britney Spears off the island.

At the time, I thought that she was just an attention whore of low intelligence whose career was over.

I still think that is the case, but now I actually feel bad for her. Yes, we are a culture that likes to build celebrities up and then tear them down, but Britney’s fall from grace is much more disturbing than a sex tape or a DUI. There is no doubt that she is mentally unhinged at this point and I’m not sure if it will be possible for her to ever regain sanity.

She has absolutely no privacy but worse than that, she actually feeds into it. Have you ever seen the paparazzi videos of her going to stores? It is literally insane. She has a crowd of photographers everywhere she goes. Can you imagine living your daily life like that? And not just being hunted and hounded by them, but actually getting to the mental place where you want them around? She has some sort of celebrity Stockholm Syndrome going on. The Mickey Mouse club teen girl who was so provocatively and successfully marketed to us as the innocent schoolgirl is now so isolated that those sleazy paparazzi are the only thing she has left. The paparazzi agencies say that she will call them 15 minutes before she leaves her house so that they will follow her. As if that isn’t warped enough, she is now dating an especially sketchy paparazzo who still sells photos and interviews of her. He’s been following for 5 years and then all of the sudden, he’s crossed over to her personal life. Or more accurately, she has no private life. After losing her friends, family, children and JT, all she has left is the camera lens to chronicle her downward spiral. It’s hard to think of anything that is hers anymore – the cameras have seen her shaving her head, and angled up her skirt to see her genitals, and last week, her menstruation. There is nothing sacred left except perhaps pictures of her death. The sad part is that it looks like that is where this is headed. The death of Heath Ledger was so shocking because it was unexpected given his public persona. Out of all of the young leading men, I would place people like Joaquin Phoenix and even Jake Gyllenhaal as more intense and tortured than Heath. You just never really know what is going on with famous people’s lives – except it seems for Britney who is self-destructing in the public eye.

The saddest thing is most obviously the children. Hopefully, she will be able to regain some sanity for their sakes, but regardless, someday they will grow up and be able to access all of this footage of her crazy antics. No one should have to see their mother that way.

She’s all shades of crazy now and I feel bad. I’m not even sick of her anymore. Maybe I’d invite her back to the island if she could pull her life together.

New York Times Endorsements

I just saw that the NYT has endorsed Hillary Clinton and John McCain. It’s like we have the same mind. The New York Times is notoriously liberal but it is still nice to see that they are assessing this race in exactly the same way that I have been. I’ve been saying for months that I disagree with McCain but I prefer him over the others because he has character. And, of course, I believe that Hillary is the most qualified candidate to be President.

McCain

My blog: (Jan 9, 2008) “I am glad that John McCain won the New Hampshire primary tonight. There is no way that I am going to agree with any Republican, so I base my preference on personality factors. McCain has integrity and I respect him. My dream showdown would be McCain vs. Hillary. I want to see that the best of each party gets the nomination.”

NYT: (Jan 25, 2008) “We have strong disagreements with all the Republicans running for president…We have shuddered at Mr. McCain’s occasional, tactical pander to the right because he has demonstrated that he has the character to stand on principle.”

Clinton

My blog: (Jan 6, 2008) “I like Barack Obama, but I support Hillary. Here’s the thing: Obama is likable and passionate and a good public speaker. But I do not think that charisma is enough to prove leadership. I would love to vote for Obama someday but not this year…Obama is exciting but inexperienced. I will always vote for competence over charisma. While I agree with Obama on issues and would completely support him if he gets the nomination, I think that Hillary would be a better President.”

NYT: (Jan 25, 2008) “The potential upside of a great Obama presidency is enticing, but this country faces huge problems, and will no doubt be facing more that we can’t foresee. The next president needs to start immediately on challenges that will require concrete solutions, resolve, and the ability to make government work. Mrs. Clinton is more qualified, right now, to be president.”

So, yeah, I should totally be on the NYT’s editorial board. I’ll be waiting by the phone for the job offer.

Another Tidal Wave

So you know how I was counting on 2008 being better?

Nope.

We’re off to a rocky start. I haven’t followed astrology for quite awhile but I might go for a consultation soon. Actually, that might not be necessary. I can tell you right now that my planets have been out of whack since January 2006.

Every time I seem to get on some solid ground, I get knocked over by another tidal wave. To be fair, it’s not like my entire life has been a disaster for two years. No, not by any means. There have been many great things that have happened and day to day life is fairly happy. But every once and awhile, I just get slammed by disappointment and heartbreak. In the past, this usually involved falling in love with people who did not return the favor, once with my boyfriend and once with someone else’s. But I learned alot from those experiences and was making strides in having a gentler life and growing into a better, more mature person.

Compared to those lovebumps on the road to adulthood, this latest tidal wave is more of an emotional tsunami. My grandmother passed away on Friday rather suddenly and it has been a terribly difficult loss because we were very close. She was like a second mother to me and it is a different kind of heartbreak to lose someone who actually did love you unconditionally from the day you were born. In this life, there are so few people who you can count on to be solidly in your corner no matter what happens. It is a tremendous loss and one that I may never really get over. I think that will be all I will say about it because it is too fresh and disturbing to really get into right now.

I will, however, make two comments related to the way that I have changed (or perhaps revealed myself) just in the past week of going through this experience.

First, I had never had anyone close to me pass away before this. Going through all of this has made me aware of how important it is to just be present and show up for people. I encountered all of the funeral cliches – the flowers, the casseroles, the sympathy cards- things that before, I never really thought much about. But having gone through this, I realize how much it matters to make those gestures and how meaningful it actually is to those who are grieving to see the outpouring of compassion and thoughtfulness. I will now be far more conscious of the importance of acts of kindness.

Second, as I mentioned earlier, I have had some hurtful experiences in the past couple of years that made me feel like a failure and a wimp when it comes to relationships. Going through those difficult times made me reevaluate myself and become a little softer around the edges. Remembering my relationship with my Nan made me realize that I am actually a loving and caring person who was able to maintain a very close and special relationship with someone. Standing up in front of everyone in that church at the funeral service in order to give the eulogy was the first time in my life that I felt like I was finally the person that I always hoped I would be. Somehow, I was able to show a strength and grace that I had never seen before and I delivered a speech that honored the life of an amazing woman in the way that she absolutely deserved.

So maybe I’ve had some hard knocks lately, but it has shown me what I can withstand. The true revelation of character is using the sorrows of life to help you build yourself a better one.

Like A Vegan, hey!

Do you have any idea how much I love food?

I LOVE FOOD!!

Even though I am all vegan-ish now, I still love food and am thrilled to find that eating healthy can actually be tasty.

I have been experimenting with some of the packaged vegan food that I got in Indy last weekend. I made a “taco” salad with Mexican-seasoned tofu, lettuce, tomato, vegan cheese, vegan sour cream and avocado. We are talking a lot of faking it with soy! The “meat” actually reminded me of the taco filling that they served in school lunches when I was growing up. It was definitely passable and with all of the other stuff, pretty darn tasty.

But THEN, the next day, I heated up Amy’s Roasted Vegetable Pizza and it was Ohmygod, knock your socks off good! I am even willing to say that it is the second best pizza that I have ever eaten in my entire life (second only to Bloomington’s Mother Bear’s).

And I am also quite impressed by LaraBars. I tried the Cinnamon Roll flavor and the ingredients are very simple and basic: only dates, walnuts, almonds, raisins, cashews and cinnamon. While it definitely wasn’t the equivalent of a candy bar, it was still amazingly yummy.

Not everything that I’ve been trying has lived up to my expectations. I’m willing to give a little on the cheese issue, but I’m sorry, I cannot approve of soy ice cream. It is just wrong. I feel very strongly about my ice cream and I’m afraid that the cows score a point on this one.

And rutabaga? Never again. Blech.

The interesting thing is that I thought that I would prefer the frozen, convenient vegan foods over the simple rice, noodle and veggie dishes that I had been making. It turns out that after a couple days of eating prepared vegan foods, I started missing the brown rice and vegetables.

Tonight, I made the most smashing dish ever! First, I coated a frying pan with olive oil and put in a diced red onion. Then, I cut baby carrots and zucchini into matchsticks and added them. After a few minutes, I added snap peas and a whole bunch of sliced baby portobella mushrooms. As the vegetables were all cooking together and creating the most intoxicatingly delicious smell, I added shoyu and 3 cups of cooked brown rice. The aroma itself was enough to floor me, but eating it was a truly transcendent flavor experience. I cannot believe how absolutely amazing vegetables in olive oil and shoyu can be! I’m so regretful that I have not been eating this my entire life. It’s not just that vegetables are healthy, but they are also so freaking delicious!

I LOVE FOOD!

Love: You Owe Me Nothing In Return

I was listening to my girl, Alanis, this afternoon and one of her songs from a few years ago came on. It is a really beautiful song and the message of loving without attachment really connected with me. I am learning that truly loving someone else is selfless and you must be aware of what is in their best interest instead of always being concerned about how it will affect you. Unconditional love might be impossible but it is a wonderful aim.

Here are the lyrics:

I’ll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it.
I will give you encouragement to choose the path you want if you need it.
You can speak of anger and doubts, your fears and freak-outs and I’ll hold it.
You can share your so-called “shamefilled” accounts of times in your life and I
won’t judge it.
And there are no strings attached to it.

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it’s my privilege,
and you owe me nothing in return.

You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I’ll grant it.
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you’ll have it.
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I’ll support it.
You can ask for anything you want, anything at all and I’ll understand it.
And there are no strings attached to it.

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it’s my privilege,
and you owe me nothing in return.

I bet you’re wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop.
I bet you’re wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up.
I bet you’re wondering how far you have now danced your way back into debt.
This is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is.

You can express your deepest of truths, even if it means I’ll lose you and I’ll
hear it.
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss, I’ll empathize with.
You can say that you’ll have to skip town to chase your passion and I’ll hear
it.
You can even hit rock bottom, have a mid-life crisis and I’ll hold it.
And there are no strings attached.

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it’s my privilege,
and you owe me nothing in return.

Tiger Beats No More

Poor Brad Renfro. I was so shocked when I heard that he died today. My immediate reaction was to remember that he was one of the Tiger Beat pinups of my late elementary school days. At the time, I was pining away for Macauley Culkin. My 9 year old self thought that the Mac was a total hottie in Home Alone. And then I moved onto Jonathan Taylor Thomas or JTT as I referred to him in my diary. Despite the fact that I never had a crush on him, I felt like Brad Renfro was one of the gang – like he was the friend of the guy that I had a crush on. I haven’t heard or thought about any of these guys for years (over a decade even) but it’s sad because it’s almost like a piece of my childhood had a drug overdose. Sad, sad.