Winding down

I’m walking down Broadway
Each footstep is a new love letter

I’m thinking about desire
I’ve had to learn how to sin successfully
I’m thinking about bliss
And bliss is all dressed up and there’s no one to dance with

Rehab

The man said, why you think you here?
I said, I got no idea
Im gonna, I’m gonna lose my baby
So I always keep a bottle near
Said, I just think you’re depressed
Kiss me, yeah baby
And the rest
They’re tryin to make me go to rehab
I said no, no, no
Yes I been black, but when I come back
You wont know, know, know
I don’t ever wanna drink again I just,
ooo, I just need a friend
Im not gonna spend 10 weeks
Have everyone think im on the mend
It’s not just my pride

Sooooooooo….I’ve been thinking.
Thinking that I am not sure if I want to have a blog anymore.

They say that the first law of writing is to know your audience. A blog is such a public forum that people you know and people you don’t can be your readers. If I had to do it all over again, I would either make it private and only invite my closest friends to be readers or I would not tell anyone I know about it and just publish anonymously.

You see, the problem is not my friends who read and it is not the strangers who read. It’s the people I only sort of know that are the problem. Because essentially, I am writing for them – the sort of know people. Which means I censor myself. I hold back. I don’t name names and I can’t tell the whole story for fear that the information would make me look bad or hurt someone else. As a writer and a person, it is frustrating to not be able to fully express myself.

Besides, my blog has never had a real “identity.” It’s not a diary of my daily life, it is not about social issues, or my romantic life, or links to interesting websites and tidbits, although at various times, it has been all of these.

So, I’m not sure what to do. I have 3 options:
1) Make this blog private and write for 5 people or so that I know and trust.
2) Keep the blog as it is and censor myself.
3) Stop blogging entirely.

I am even thinking that I could do a fictional, anonymous blog that is slightly based on my life. That way when scandalous things happen in my life, I can say it is fiction. And when my life is boring, I can invent scandalous things and say it is real. It might be nice to have a creative outlet.

So who knows? I don’t want to stop writing about myself in favor of gossiping about Lindsay Lohan (stay in rehab, bitch) and other benign topics. But at the same time, it sucks to only get to write partially about my life because I don’t want to be judged by some people who may be lurking. And besides, out of nearly 150 blog posts so far, I only have one entry that I actually like: http://twicebakedbiscotti.blogspot.com/2007/04/et-tu-brutuna.html

And I have gotta say, I simply don’t eat tuna often enough to justify this blog.

Until I reach a decision, I will go on with blogging as usual.

I have spent the past few days being independent. It has been great, and no more tears. Instead, I am just anti-social. It seems like the less I am around people, the more I hate them. There you have it. It takes 11 days in New York to turn me from a cheery, gregarious, loving human being to “Go fuck off, asshole.”

I have felt very self conscious in the city. Not insecure, but just very conscious of my own presence. It is probably because men often yell at me as I walk down the street. Sometimes it is embarassing because other people turn to look. It is because I am blonde and have a rather noticeable behind. What can you do? And really, I don’t think it is just an urban male thing. It’s a male thing in general. The only difference is that in Bloomington, I am less likely to walk down the street because I have a car and there are less streets to walk down. But I have definitely been jogging along the road in B-town and had white males hanging out of their pick up trucks hollering at me. I don’t even care that much in the city. I just hate it when you are walking alone and a guy swoops down into your face to mutter something like”absolutely beautiful” and it is a total invasion of my personal space. And even when they aren’t making comments about my appearance, they come up to me and say other things like, “Yeah, you’re happy today, huh?” or when I was jogging today”Breathe deeply when you run. Don’t take short breaths. Real deep. It’s like getting high but in a natural way.” Seriously, people? How can I not be self conscious when my ass, face, clothing, mood and breathing style are under scrutiny and subject to verbal remarks in public by strangers.

So, yeah, “Fuck off, asshole!”

And while I am bitching about things, let me list a few pet peeves:

1) People who make you take off your shoes when you are a visitor in their homes. If you don’t want people to bring stuff into your house, don’t let people come over. Some of us like to wear shoes (and have cute shoes) and hate feet. Honestly, I think it is worse to have smelly, hairy, disgusting bare feet tracked all through your home. Keep them covered!

2) People who buy cheap toilet paper. If I want to use one-ply, scratchy, non-absorbent paper, I’ll use a public restroom. Spend the extra dollar and splurge for that cushiony soft wonderfulness. Your privates deserve the best.

3) No matter how well you pack for a vacation, you always run out of underwear. I hate that. I don’t know if I should find a laundromat just to do a load of underwear or if I should just buy new underwear. I have 4 left and this decision is stressing me out.

Ok, and now for something happy. Something I love and crave and I think is the second best food on God’s green earth after chocolate.

The avocado.
oh.my.god.
Love it!
How did I go so long in my life without fully appreciating this wonderful entity?!
I am eating them every day in salads or guacamole.
I want to learn how to make guacamole. It is a yum-sandwich! (sorry, have been watching way too much rachael ray).

Back to School

I saw the first back to school commercial of the summer.

I’ve got to admit that I am kind of excited for classes to begin. Except for Stats, I am really looking forward to my classes next semester and I’m excited to implement a structured work schedule. I’m not exactly ready to go back to Bloomington yet, although I do miss my cat and my apartment.

I spent nearly the entire day yesterday with a former professor of mine from undergrad. She gave me so much great advice about grad school and I feel like I have a better handle on what I should be doing next year…and beyond. I know that I will be super busy and stressed once again, but I’ve got the hunger to go back. My nerd side is excited to get some brand new notebooks, organize my school supplies and anticipate the promise of a new semester.

In the meantime, I am going to enjoy the remaining month of summer break.

Hey Man

Hey man, don’t look so scared.
You know I’m only testing you out.
Hey man, don’t look so angry,
you’re real close to figuring me out.

It seems as though young, single people face a conundrum: You cannot marry until you have plenty of experiences (being independent, dating around, sexual conquests for some) in order to prevent regrets arising from those things that you did not do before giving up your freedom, but at the same time, those very experiences push you further from marriage. As you have more experiences, you come to need variety and excitement. Like a drug, the active single life makes you wonder if you can ever be content with only one person for the rest of your life. And how do you know if you have found the right person if you can’t help looking for the next person?I was talking to a male friend of mine the other day and he told me that I don’t actually want what I say I want because my actions contradict what I say. This may be true. The past few months have shown me that my top priorities are (1) doing well in grad school (2) traveling (3) concentrating on my own self-growth. I am still a romantic at heart, so (4) falling in love and having a successful, healthy relationship. But the top 3 are all about me and they overpower the fourth.

Of course, I say that now out of exasperation. I find an adequate fellow and I think that this might be good relationship material. Alas, the dear chap ultimately turns out to be inappropriate. So, then, I decide to just keep it lighthearted. And I get, “Stick to your ideals.” The evolution of rejection-speak is getting increasingly more creative.

So, I am closing up shop. My ideals and I will be canoodling amongst ourselves for the indefinite future.

Pathos Got Me Once Again

I was doing so well with updating this during the first part of the week…but now I’ve missed a few days, so I am just going to put down some random, possibly incoherent ramblings.

I have been exceedingly emotional over the past few days. I am not depressed or upset. I just feel highly sentimental and overcome with feeling. I always cry easily. In fact, I cried every single day of the first half of kindergarten and then merely most days of the second half. I cry at long distance telephone commercials (especially ones that involve grandfathers and grandsons talking at Christmas). I cry when I am happy, sad, frustrated, angry, drunk, or moved. I am just one big crybaby. For some people, crying is a sign of severe distress and occurs rarely. For me, it just happens spontaneously if I am touched by something. I think I have been more sensitive over the past few days because I have had time on my own to really think about what is important to me and that has charged me up. The crying has been incredibly cathartic.

I found out that there are 185,000 more single women in the New York City area than single men. The dating scene here is crazy. Score one point for the Midwest.

I read a book called Letters to a Young Therapist by Mary Pipher (she also wrote Reviving Ophelia). I was at Barnes & Noble and wanted something inspirational. I ended up with a therapy manual and yes, it was inspirational. Part of the reason that I bought it is because Pipher addresses the letters to her favorite graduate student who happens to be named Laura. So it was sort of gimicky but it did increase my reading enjoyment to have the letters actually say “Dear Laura”. I underlined many things in this book but there were a few that really stuck out: “There is a big difference between people who’ve had interesting lives and people who are interesting. That difference is storytelling.” I also liked her description of being a “likable guide”: “Great guides are humble, competent, kind, and calm. They emanate an unusual mix of innocence and sophistication. Most important of all, good guides are trustworthy and inspire others.” I want to be a likable guide as a sociologist, as a writer, as a friend and daughter, and as a human being.

I spent most days this week having long conversations with old friends. It was surprising to hear the same themes come up over and over with various people. Many of my friends, male and female, had a difficult year and struggled with money, relationships, and either trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives or how they can do what they want. Being a twentysomething is indeed very challenging because you keep trying to build the life you want but you aren’t sure how. All you know is that your life right now is not where you want it to be. This is the decade that is about the process of finding your purpose and molding the life that suits who you really are.

I was not anywhere near the steam pipe explosion, thankfully. I watched the news that showed the debris flying and people running away, some leaving their shoes behind in the street. And then the reporter would say, “This is not terrorism.” But really, it was. Even though al-Queda did not orchestrate this and it was just a freak accident, the fact that people were so frightened and automatically thought it was a terrorist attack is an indication of the psychological terrorism that persists after 9/11. And isn’t that what terrorism truly is? Living in fear of the next time, jumping every time that someone says “Boo,” being literally scared to death.

New York is amazing in the summer. I love warm weather. There is nothing like jogging in the sunshine during the day and then going downtown for an evening out after it cools down. This weekend has been really fun. On Friday, I met up with a friend from Fordham for a Classy and Trashy evening, went to the Guggenheim and a nice bar for a mojito, and then ate a burger and went to this dive bar in the East Village where we played beer pong and air hockey. Last night, I hung out with some CUNY Grad Center soc people. I love talking to people in other programs. I thought about going to the Grad Center so that I could stay in New York. They have really great people on the faculty, too. I chose a different path, but they are definitely doing good stuff there. I think the ASA conference in 10 years is going to be amazingly fun to attend.

The Perfect Manhattan Evening

I guess it’s all there for the takin’
I think it’s all yours & mine
My preacher says I got to see it to believe it
& I believe
Won’t sleep till I’ve had enough
won’t sip my wine from no paper cup
(Beth Hart_Delicious Surprise)

Yesterday, I hung out with my good friend Zach and we had a fantastic day celebrating the greatness of Manhattan in summer. I always have such a great time with him. We had not seen each other since I left New York (although we both go between NY, PA and Indiana a lot…we travel the same paths, but they never cross!). What I like best about Zach is that he is a good listener and his advice is always honest. Even by telephone over the past year, he has been able to give me a good verbal shake of the shoulders to serve as a wake up call. It was so helpful to have someone tell me straight out, “don’t be that girl. just don’t do it.” It’s always good to hear the truth even if it isn’t what you want to hear.

So, our afternoon started in Greenwich Village when we went to a Mexican restaurant. We had refreshing margaritas (the weather has been a bit steamy lately) and the best guacamole ever. Then we went to this movie theater that was playing Woody Allen’s Manhattan.

Zach loves Woody Allen and when I lived in New York, I used to go over to his apartment to watch old movies. Manhattan was excellent and funny and the cinematography was so lovely. After the movie, Zach, Andy, and I bought a few bottles of wine and took the train up to Central Park to listen to a free performance by the New York Philharmonic. We had a blanket, a candle and 100 dixie cups to drink the wine! It was amazing!! The weather had cooled down so it was a perfect summer evening to enjoy the music and chat and sip wine along with thousands of other New Yorkers. At the end of the performance, there were fireworks. I love this city so much!

New York Philharmonic in Central Park

Maria, Andy, Zach

Me and the Zach-attack, Reunited At Last

our wine picnic

We DO drink our wine out of paper cups

After the Philharmonic, the four of us went up to Zach’s apartment which is waaaaay uptown manhattan…the 200’s! He has a great, spacious apartment there. He calls it the “last frontier” in Manhattan, the only neighborhood left that has semi-reasonable rent. It is basically at the end of Manhattan . But like I said, his apartment is so nice that it is definitely worth it. We got pizza, some more wine, watched his high definition TV (I am very impressed) and chatted until 4am. The three of them are actors so it was cool to hear their stories. I love being around creative people who are young and fabulous and pursuing their passion in the city. It was so great to talk to them about relationships, sex, attractiveness, being a full person, struggling to live in a satisfying way, and the frustrations and freedom of being a twentysomething. I feel like the conversations that I’ve had with people over the past few days have done so much good for me on a personal level. It’s like free therapy to hear that other people have the same questions and fears that I do and the way that they handle things and provide encouragement. I definitely made the right decision to come here this summer.

On the Waterfront

The view from Riverside Park at Sunset

I spent most of today in Riverside Park which is a beautiful park that goes along the Hudson River from around 70th Street to 158th. I went for a jog there in the afternoon and it was so nice. There were lots of boats out on the water and you can slightly make out the smell of salt water (mixed with God knows what else is in that river!). Sometimes I forget that Manhattan is surrounded by water so it feels surreal to have a river to your right and the city to the left. There were lots of little kids running around: a boy pushing his baby doll in a stroller, girls writing on the sidewalk with chalk, and babies being held on park benches as their nannies talk on cell phones.

Maria came over after work and we went to the sushi place that is nearby. It was divine. There are many great things about the Midwest, but if there is one thing that is so much better on the coasts, it is sushi! I had the most amazing spicy salmon roll. After we ate, Maria and I walked over to Riverside Park to sit on the benches by the water and continue catching up. We did not really have a chance to get into a deep conversation on Saturday, so it was nice to spend several hours talking about things. After living together for all four years of college, she probably knows me better than anyone else. It’s always a comfort to be around someone who understands what you are saying and where you are coming from. It was a very helpful discussion and provided me with some much needed perspective. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I had stayed in New York. I still think that I made the right decision to go to Indiana (and I definitely needed some time away) but I could definitely see myself living here now and being really happy. Oh well.

Go Your Own Way

i’m so ashamed
i’ve been so mean
I don’t know how it got to this point

and all i wanted was the simple things
a simple kind of life

(A Simple Kind of Life_No Doubt)

I was thinking last night about how refreshing it is to be in a situation that allows me to be independent and have a variety of mutually exclusive social spheres to take part in. When I went out with Maria and her roommate on Saturday, we were sitting at the bar and we commented that it was almost a conversational challenge to not have mutual acquaintances to talk about. I feel like too much of conversation time is devoted to gossip in my B-town group of friends.

Last night, I also wrote down a preliminary list of good and bad qualities about myself. Some of the bad things were that I can be judgmental and mean. It seems like I am so quick to think of something negative, but hesitate to give someone the benefit of the doubt. This propensity has been exacerbated by being part of a small group of people whose social worlds revolve entirely around each other. Looking back, it all seems so petty. Are we really that boring and small-minded? Do we have nothing important to talk about? It is truly shameful, and I take responsibility for contributing.

More than anything, I think that I need to have a private life that is removed from the cohort. I want to have friends who are outside of the sociology department. I don’t want to be under scrutiny, and I have grown to not care about the personal lives of most of the people. And frankly, I also don’t want to deal with certain people. The fact that I dread being around that person and that person and that person leads me to believe that I am the one who actually should remove myself from the group to some extent. I am totally open to one-on-one or small group socializing (even with that person and that person and that person) but I really don’t see myself being a regular part of large group activities anymore, save for a few occasional events.

I look back on the past year and there were so many great memories of fun times. I am so grateful that I was able to get to know everyone and I really could outlist the negative with the many wonderful things that people have to offer. However, some of the time was wasted by just hanging out and having frivolous (and often repetitive) conversations when I could have been doing more work. I think that everything runs its course, and maybe it is time for some of us to go our own way. In the interest of full disclosure, I am sure that some of this decision has been influenced by the feeling that I am under treacherous surveillence at times, and that when it comes down to it, only a couple people have really been there for me. With that being said, I do believe that it is time for me to really become serious and passionate about my work and focus more on the professional side of graduate school.

A Sunday Stroll through Central Park

My first full day in the city was mostly spent in Central Park. By happy coincidence, my friend Dwight, who I had met randomly at a Halloween party in Madison, WI, was visiting the city this weekend. We were able to spend the afternoon catching up, eating ice cream, wandering through Central Park, and stumbling upon a wonderful French street festival on the Upper East Side. After I walked him to the tram so he could catch his flight, I went to Bloomingdales and then bought some of the delectable pastries from the street fair to share with my roommate and Maria tomorrow.

Relaxing in Central Park

Dwight from Madison

Alice in Wonderland Statue

Little SailboatsFrench Street Festival

Delicious French Pastries

It was a delightful day. My only complaint is that my feet hurt. Last night, I wore cute, but uncomfortable shoes. Excruciating. Today, I wore flat, flip-flops. Still uncomfortable. By the end of the week, I am going to need some type of orthopedic sneaker. I have decided that I don’t need to have fabulous footwear after all.

The First Day

It is so great to be back in the city!The train ride was ok. The train was running really late and I was nervous about being able to load my luggage on. After all, it is hard to restrict my fabulousness to a 22×28 suitcase! Needless to say, the suitcase was stuffed full and it was basically like lifting my own body weight. But you should have seen what I left behind.

Anyway, I met a very nice 78 year old woman who was originally from Indiana and went to Purdue. She was currently suffering from a painful cyst and herniated disk in her back. I think that if I had to deal with that much pain, I would talk about it, too. She was very sweet. The train didn’t have a cafe car, so in Harrisburg they started giving out free pizza to everyone on the train. It was so strange and the pizza was not very high quality, but I think that this is a new era for Amtrak. I have taken the train so many times and they never have given a crap…until now.

I got in around 5:30 and looked around the apartment. I love it! The neighborhood is cute and quiet. I have always wanted to live in one of the brownstones, so this is great.

I looked around the neighborhood a bit, ate a bagel, and then headed down to the Lower East Side where Maria lives. Her apartment is super small but it is decorated really cute and cozy.

Me and Maria

We chatted for awhile and then when her roommate got home, the three of us went to this really cool bar called The Beauty Bar. The bar is set up like a beauty salon (beauty saloon…hehe) and you can get a manicure and martini for only $10. All of the chairs are set up like hair dryers and there are theme drinks. There’s also a dance floor in the back where Zach Braff and Drew Barrymore were seen making out last weekend. This weekend, however, there were just a bunch of super-white dancers and some old people gawking. I introduced them to blueberry stoli and we had a fun, girl talk conversation.

The hair dryers are in the background</

Manicures in a bar!

I am really happy to be here. I always get really excited when I first come into the city and see the skyline. It is always a little thrill to see New York after having been away for awhile. In some ways, it feels so familiar. Taking the west side highway up from the train station reminded me of all the RamVan rides that I took up to the Bronx for classes at Rose Hill. And the subway and the bustle and the people – all the same. Men comment and holler as I walk down the street. People still ask me for directions and I always accidentally tell them to do the exact opposite of what they should do only to realize 5 minutes later that I sent that poor, trusting soul the wrong way, but there is nothing I can do because they are long gone. I just really like that people ask me for directions because I believe that it means (a) I must look like a really nice and approachable person and (b) It must seem like I actually live in New York and know my way around. Unfortunately my (a)ness makes me want to be helpful even when I lack (b)ness.

Oh well…give me a few more days and all of the train lines, street intersections, and landmarks will come back to me. I’ll probably still give wrong directions but at least I won’t be completely making shit up.